We won't sleep together?
You work out of a Hotel?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
