dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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