What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
