im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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