my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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