Did you just see the Batmobile???
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
