A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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