Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
