drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Randomize
