I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
