your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
