yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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