I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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