I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Text me some of your sweat
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