dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
