Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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