even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
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