Pants 0. Shit 1.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
