So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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