Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
