I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
My vagina is very pro this idea
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
