Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
