So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
