My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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