My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
