I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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