i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
