so explain again why im purple
no
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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