he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
