I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
