I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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