You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Randomize
