So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
