I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
