She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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