Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
