Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Pants are for mortals
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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