come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
