dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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