I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
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