Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
