you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
