a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
