you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
