I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Randomize
