i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
