I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
