i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
