Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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