What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
